Top Ten Things to Say on Returning Home with Conference Book Plunder

I came across this today and thought I'd post it:

Here are some verbal tactics you might find useful as you bring your conference book plunder home under the scrutiny of your nonacademic spouse. The premise is that, arriving at the airport, you can’t manage to drop the books off at the office.

10. “Look at how much money I saved! These were all forty to fifty percent off!”

9. “You should have seen the temptations! This is the small price of my restraint.”

8. “Remember, I’m writing a book, and the royalties will more than cover the price of these books. It’s just a temporary investment that we’ll recoup.” (Oh sure. Like your monograph on Athanasius Against the Ariansis going to cover the cost of even one of those Brill titles in your bag!)

7. “Look! I’ve taken care of a lot of our Christmas shopping!” (When he/she tells you that no one on the Christmas list wants those books, you act disappointed and rejected, and absorb them into your library.)

6. “Oh, so you’re going to complain about your husband/wife squandering money on books! Do I blow money on alcohol? tobacco? gambling? drugs? sex? stadium box seats? No! Just books on justice and peace, Jesus and Paul, trinitarian theology and the evils of, uh . . . consumerism!”

5. “Don’t worry. It just looks like a lot. Amortized over my lifetime, I’m not spending very much on books at all. Certainly nothing like You Know Who.”

4. “These are all tax deductible.” (This only works if he/she is under the illusion that you somehow subtract the book bill from the tax due.)

3. “These are all tools. Just the cost of doing business in my trade.”

2. Dull the impact by itemizing. “Some of these are for Christmas. Some of these are for the new class I’m teaching. Some of them are for my research. Some of them I might adopt as texts. And one of them is for you!”

1. “Folks who had lost their homes in the fires were selling these books on the streets of San Diego. I couldn’t resist helping them out. If you had looked into their eyes . . .” *

Next year, perhaps we can offer ideas on how to hustle the plunder onto the premises and avoid this conversation.

*This one shows just how low one can go.